Preparing for Mediation

No one likes conflict. If you’re already in a conflict, or anticipate conflict in the future, you’re probably feeling anxious and apprehensive. Your interest in exploring mediation is a giant step towards settling your dispute — and finding relief from the associated anxiety and apprehension. Congratulations!

Mediation has a winning track record: Studies show that as many as 80% of divorce, family, and relational disputes settle in mediation. And parties are much more likely to comply with the terms of a mediated settlement than one reached via an adversarial process. Keep this optimistic outlook in mind as you prepare for mediation and take a few minutes to reflect on the following five guidelines.

1. It’s a Problem, Not a Contest

Which terms of settlement can satisfy both parties’ interests? This is the problem that you and your mediator will work towards solving. During mediation, try to focus on this problem rather than on the deficiencies of the other party. Maintaining focus can be a challenge, especially when we're consumed by powerful emotions such as blame, guilt, anger, and fear of loss. Our skilled mediators will help you by guid-
ing the conversation away from destructive patterns of communication.

2. Mediation Begins with Me

Your interests remain paramount throughout mediation. Unless you’re completely satisfied, you shouldn’t agree to a settlement. The mediator won’t allow either party to be a doormat or to treat the other as one. However, you can help prevent such inequality by asserting your right to act in your best interests. The mediator will support you by creating a safe environment for you to express your emotions and your ideas of what might constitute a fair settlement.

3. Listen

When listening to the other party, you’re really playing detective. Sometimes you’ll need to figure out the emotion behind the words. (For example, when a party says, “I want to ensure that you follow through with your commitments,” is this party expressing fear, doubt, or anger?) Other times, a party will communicate emotion very clearly (through, say, tears or a raised voice), but you’ll need to interpret its meaning. Mediators are experts at listening, and they’ll apply this expertise to help you listen to each other.

4. Understand

To listen is to understand without necessarily condoning or forgiving the other party’s past behavior. When you listen, you’re not denying or defending, you're not dismissing or patronizing. Anger in such circumstances has no means to sustain itself. It collapses under its own weight, and problem solving begins in earnest.

5. Keep a Realistic Perspective

Conflict resolution isn’t easy. That’s why mediators exist. Be patient. Don’t expect a quick fix. And allow the mediator to guide the process. With a problem-solving attitude, you’ve every chance of reaching a settlement that satisfies both parties’ interests.